


a series of bad decisions takao must have made at some point (and some that may not have been so bad)

by highboys (orphan_account)



Category: Kuroko no Basket
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, F/M, Genderswap, Lists
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-16
Updated: 2012-12-16
Packaged: 2017-11-21 06:50:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/594718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/highboys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What is wrong with Japan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	a series of bad decisions takao must have made at some point (and some that may not have been so bad)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [yukirei](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yukirei/gifts).



> Shitty fic alert. Gomen mami. (ADVANCED) HAPPY BIRTHDAY????

**the one where takao chooses her future high school**

_N-- high_  


  * shitty school
  * shitty extracurriculars
  * no basketball????
  * hot boys though
  * HOW IS THIS SO HARD



  
_A-- academy_   


  * uniform looks like vomit, no thanks
  * Ishida is going there
  * _Ishida_
  * still no basketball
  * what is wrong with japan



  
_K-- academy_   


  * too damn expensive
  * also, all girls school, where is my oasis
  * don't they have a shitty basketball club?
  * nerds, nerds, and more nerds
  * well, that explains everything
  * and okay yeah my grades are pretty shitty, never mind that



  
_S-- high_   


  * what the fuck is that
  * no seriously what the fuck mom did you just pull this school out of the phonebook
  * basketball?????
  * I swear it's like the universe is telling me to switch to the going home club already



  
(Here Takao had to pause to have a very public and humiliating argument with her mother on how basketball did not completely control her life, _oh my god mom, I'm not gonna marry it okay, if I had to marry something I'd marry someone animate that I could -- oh my god mom that's so disgusting I can't believe you would say that!!!_ , and it was completely her brother's fault for letting her watch a high school match that one time with the really hot dude from Teikou, _are you getting in the way of destiny, mom_. It did not end well.)

_K-- high_  


  * KASAMATSU-SENPAAAAAAI
  * I hate grey though
  * also ugh at ties
  * this is so hard



  
_R-- high_   


  * too lazy to take a train every day
  * fuck it, I'll just pick something out of a box



 

**the one where takao promises to never go to the library ever again**

 

 

 **kazuko899:** ri-chan  
ri-chan you have to help me  
ri-chan help  
I'm dying  
I'm stuck beside the most boring geek in the world  
and he has a five foot llama on the desk and it is the ugliest llama I have ever seen  
U G L Y  
I'm serious  
 _a llama_  
I'm stuck beside a crazy person and you won't even respond to my emails  
ri-chan  
RI-CHAN  
oh my god he's talking to me  
wow _he's really attractive ri-chan_ I should take a picture  
oh my god I take it back I want to punch him  
"you're in the way" oh my god who died and shoved an encyclopedia up his ass  
I'M SORRY FOR BEING SO SHORT MISTER TALL DARK AND HULKING  
ri-chan  
RI-CHAN  
I hate you so much

 

 

**the one where takao signs up for the club**

 

 

"What are you doing here," said Midorima from class 1-A, the prick with the glasses and the towering height and the taped fingers and the _fucking baby chick in hand_ , oh my god, that was so cute, what the hell. Takao pulled her fingers away from stroking the chick, even as it preened and fluttered its feathers under her touch. She looked up at Midorima, all six feet of him, and tipped her chin higher.

"I'm here to sta -- I mean, look for Kise-kun," said Takao.

"You're not allowed inside," said Midorima, loftily. "Basketball club members only."

"That's not even a rule," said Takao.

Midorima looked at Ootsubo, who merely wrote a vertical line on his clipboard, under what must have been the heading entitled MIDORIMA'S DAILY DOSE OF DOUCHEBAGGERY. "It is now," said Midorima.

"I will claw my way in," said Takao.

Midorima opened his mouth to retort with something scathing, only Kise grabbed him from behind and looked at Takao with interest. "Oh," said Kise, "is this your girlfriend, Midorimacchi?"

"No," said Takao and Midorima, horrified, because Kise was getting everything completely wrong and Takao was only interested in his pretty face and his club captain, and oh god Midorima ruined _everything_.

Kise arched an eyebrow at her, and smiled (smiled! That face was a lethal weapon by itself, and Takao was not prepared for this at all). "Are you the manager, then?"

"Oh my god," said Takao, with a hand to her swooning heart even as Midorima glowered at both of them. "Oh my god, yes."

"Just so you know, this is going under one of your selfish requests," said Ootsubo, from the side.

Midorima raised his hands in the air and dragged Kise away.

 

 

**the one where takao admires some parts of midorima**

 

 

Midorima was usually the only freshman left in the gym by six, prone to lingering on the court with his obsessive training and his three pointers and the rolls of bandages Takao kept tripping over every time she fetched something from the bench. When he stared at the hoop, he'd seemed so focused, so intent. Purposeful. In that moment, she understood some part of why the seniors respected him in skill, if not in personality, and why the team believed in him so much.

She thought she must have envied him in that, if she had to envy anything in him at all. Otherwise, he was a really shitty freshman all in all.

"Nice form," she said, hands cupped around her mouth. Midorima fumbled with the ball in his hand and glared at her.

"Stop being a distraction," Midorima thundered.

Shittiest. Freshman. Ever.

 

 

**the one where takao still has her pride**

 

 

"That's the wrong formula," said Midorima.

"And you're the worst backseat driver ever," said Takao. "Why don't you just tell me the right one, then?"

Midorima's eyes swept over the classroom, long empty of other students. He fiddled with a pen. "I thought the manager was supposed to keep the club members' grades up, not the other way around."

"How do you live with your charming self everyday," said Takao. Midorima looked confused. Takao let her head hit the desk with little grace, defeated. Midorima was the weirdest person she knew, ever, and no amount of awesome basketball skills or extremely good looks would make him redeemable in her eyes. Kise, though. _Do it for Kasamatsu-senpai_. "You know, you'd be so much more attractive if you kept your mouth shut."

"You too," Midorima muttered.

"Did you say something?" Takao said, kicking him under the table.

"No," said Midorima, sullenly. "This is pointless. I don't see why you can't just let me help you _properly_."

"I am never asking help from you," said Takao, spitefully. "And I am never using that pencil, it's weird _and_ lame." She paused, then tapped the desk with a ballpoint pen. " _Shin-chan_."

"I hope you fail," said Midorima.

"I hope you drown in the pool during PE and never come back," said Takao. Hanging around Miyaji-senpai was really bad for her conscience. Maybe she needed to stick around the club less.

"You're still going to fail," Midorima pointed out.

Needless to say, she did, and he didn't.

Damn it.

 

 

**the one where midorima is not takao's favorite person ever**

 

 

 **ririn5992:** KAZU  
KAZU-CHAN  
IS IT TRUE  
IS IT  
DID YOU REALLY KISS MIDORIMA FROM 1-A  
 **kazuko899:** what  
WHAT  
NO  
WHAT THE HELL  
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT  
 **ririn5992** everyone was talking about it during lit class  
hiroko from/ the tennis club said she saw midorima kissing you when she passed by the storage room for a cleaning mop  
a storage room, really, kazu???  
how classy  
 **kazuko899:** OH MY GOD  
NO  
I'LL KILL HER  
AUGH  
AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH  
he was just fixing my buttons, okay???  
 **ririn5992:** you realize that this sounds so wrong  
 **kazuko899:** you are the worst friend ever

 

 

**the one where a rumor gets out of hand**

 

 

The rumor, like all rumors, started in the girl's bathroom. It was Hiroko from 2-B that said it, the little shit, going on about how Takao and Midorima seemed to be spending a lot of time together and how she thought she saw Midorima kissing Takao behind the lockers, and then it eventually escalated into Midorima-and-Takao-doing- _things_ -behind-the-lockers and now apparently Takao was _pregnant_ and holy hell what was up with this school and its repressed fantasies anyway?

"It's all your fault," said Takao, her face scrunched up and her head bowed low. "You couldn't be a normal person and just let me get the damn button on my own, why are you so freakishly tall, and _what will Kasamatsu-senpai say if he hears this_."

"He's not even from this school," said Midorima, defensively. Takao's phone beeped, once, and Takao lifted it to her face to inspect it.

"Oh my god," said Takao. " _Satsuki-chan knows_."

" _What_ ," said Midorima. His phone vibrated in his pocket, and when he flipped it open, Momoi had simply said: _MIDORIMA I EXPECTED YOU TO BE BETTER THAN THIS_. Midorima resolved to turn off his phone, in the future. He pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket and handed it to Takao, wordlessly.

"You owe me so much for this," said Takao, sobbing into the handkerchief. Like this, she looked so small, absent of her strength, or confidence. Midorima swallowed.

"Okay," said Midorima, looking distinctly uncomfortable and like he'd rather be anywhere else, even in a ditch, just as long as someone would save him. "Okay, okay, I'll do whatever you want me to do."

Takao looked up, eyes bright and absent of tears. "In that case," said Takao, "would you give me Kise-kun's number?"

 

 

**the one where takao has a potty mouth**

 

 

"This is the worst curry I have ever tasted," said Midorima, even as he passed his empty plate to her. Miyaji rolled his eyes and gagged, from behind the counter, and Takao shrugged at him even as she blew a kiss at Midorima.

"Aww, you really do love me," said Takao. She'd learned to handle Midorima with half an ear and sheer annoyance after two months of frustration and trips to the clinic for a hot water bottle and antacids even on her off days. Takao suspected that if she didn't find a way to release the stress via physical activity, she'd end up too doped up on the school's drugs to function. The way Midorima was antsy around her every time she had her period was hilarious, though.

"I don't," said Midorima.

"I like you too, but only because you gave me Kise-kun's number," said Takao, absently. "Here, have some more."

" _No_ ," said Midorima. "I already told you it was bad."

"Shin-chan, I think we're past the point where you think every girl has cooties and is out to suck your soul dry," said Takao, ladling another serving onto Midorima's bowl. "Granted, I know a few girls that _would_ like to do the latter, except I'm not sure you'd be totally comfortable with it."

Midorima looked hunted, and torn between washing her mouth with soap. " _What is wrong with you_ ," said Midorima, and inched away.

"It's a coping mechanism," said Takao, sagely.

"You," said Miyaji, clapping his hands slowly, "are a fucking genius."

Takao patted her hands dry with a wash cloth and smiled. "I know," she said. "I really am."

 

 

**the one where they pointedly do not hang out on their free days**

 

 

He tried to teach her basketball. Keyword was tried.

"I don't get it," said Takao, limping. "What's so fun about this?"

"Why would you even watch it if you hate playing it," said Midorima, dumping a bottle of juice in her lap.

"Watching is different," Takao complained. "All I have to look at are attractive sweaty men chasing after _balls_. Playing means _I_ have to exert enough effort to even try to best _you_ , mister would-hit-a-girl."

"That was an accident," said Midorima.

"An accident is when you do things without intent," said Takao. "I saw that glint in your eye, Shin-chan."

"That was only a trick of light," said Midorima.

"Still a jerk," said Takao. She bent to touch her ankle, where her muscles throbbed the most. "You should massage my feet as compensation."

"It's stamina training," said Midorima, "you should be thanking me instead and not ordering me around."

Takao waved her socked foot at him, wounded. "Are you going to touch me or not?"

Midorima flushed then, and not from the heat. But he cradled Takao's feet in his hand, all the same, and if he was a little more careful than Takao expected him to be, then it was only a pleasant surprise, and nothing more.

Her skin felt cool, and she shivered. It was only the weather, she thought. Only the weather.

 

 

**the one where takao gives out chocolates**

 

 

"I think Shin-chan likes me," said Takao.

"And I think Midorima is the biggest asshat in the world," said Miyaji, not even looking up from his homework. "What else is new?"

"No," said Takao. "I think he really, _really_ likes me."

"Oh," said Miyaji, dubiously. "How do you figure that?"

"Just watch," said Takao, and waved Midorima over. Midorima regarded both of them warily, as he was wont to do whenever he saw Miyaji and Takao within three feet of each other, but obediently sulked over despite the way he was dragging his feet. Takao fished out something from her backpack, and handed it to Midorima with a flourish.

"Here you go," said Takao. Midorima's fingers seemed to tighten around the daintily wrapped box, and worried at the edges. "Happy Valentines, Shin-chan."

Midorima coughed, and seemed to turn an interesting shade. "I'll reply directly, then," he said, gruffly.

"What for," said Takao. She dug into her bag and mentally counted off the rest. "That's only obligation chocolate, you know?"

Midorima's expression seemed to shutter, and when he spoke, his voice was flat. "Obligation chocolate?"

"Yeah," said Takao, distracted. "Oh, and can you ask Kise-kun to give this to Kasamatsu-senpai?"

Midorima held out his hand, woodenly. "Do you give obligation chocolate to every boy you meet?" He bit out.

"Nope," said Takao, cheerfully crushing Midorima's heart. "This one's homemade."

"I love you," said Miyaji, as they watched Midorima walk away with the boxes clutched in his hands like a life line. "Will you marry me?"

"Haha," said Takao, fixing her hairband primly. "No thanks, senpai. You're not my type."

 

 

**the one where midorima is not interested at all**

 

 

"Yes or no," said Takao, by way of greeting, as she tossed a bottle of water to a barely sweating Midorima on the desk.

"What for," said Midorima, suspiciously.

"Oh my god, you don't get to ask questions okay," said Takao, "just answer yes or no."

"No," said Midorima.

"Oh," said Takao, before turning back to her phone. "Awesome. Hey, senpai, looks like I'm not going on a date with Shin-chan after all."

"Wait," said Midorima, "what?"

He snatched her wrist; it was limp in his touch, and for a moment she'd thought he'd come closer. That he would kiss her. Except Midorima was the stupidest boy in the world and the biggest coward ever and he just looked at her phone curiously. "You aren't even talking to anyone."

"Wow," said Takao, "and I thought I was dumb. Never mind that."

 

 

**the one where takao has her priorities wrong**

 

 

 **kazuko899:** ri-chan, boys suck  
 **ririn5992:** want to get drunk  
 **kazuko899:** it's only wednesday  
we're fifteen  
how will you buy beer  
 **ririn5992:** do you want to get drunk or not  
 **kazuko899:** you're the best friend in the world

 

 

**the one where takao is a sad drunk, redux**

 

 

_a string of texts Takao must have sent Midorima at various times over the course of one night:_

shin-chan  
shin-chan  
shinchan i liek joo  
shhhhhhhhh  
h  
e  
y  
are u still awake  
i liek  
you  
you stupid dumb butt  
hahaaaaaaaaaha i'm so drunk  
oops ri-chan'ss trying to get my f  
my phone  
i like uuuuuuuuuuu  
'm so done

 

 

**the one where takao nurses a headache**

 

 

"You're done with what," was the first thing Midorima asked, dismayed.

"Ow," said Takao. "Your voice is too loud."

"What," said Midorima, barely a whisper.

"Still loud," said Takao. Midorima closed his mouth. "Better."

"I can't believe you got intoxicated on a school day," said Midorima.

"I can't believe you're still talking," said Takao. "And it's all Ri-chan's fault. All of it. The whole drinking thing, and the bedeviling, and the rumors, and not distracting me from you and _your face_."

"What bedeviling," said Midorima.

"Your face," said Takao, emphatically. "It's so unfair. Why do you have to be my type and why do you have the worst personality ever."

Midorima opened his mouth, and then he closed it again. He looked like he didn't know which part of that sentence he wanted to tackle head on first.

"Stop saying unneccesary things," said Midorima. "If you like me, then you like me. What's the problem?"

"Aww, where did this sudden confidence come from?" said Takao. "You were cuter when you were flustered, Shin-chan."

" _Don't call me that_ ," said Midorima, scandalized.

"Whatever," said Takao, "I should get to call my boyfriend _something_ , right?"

"I haven't even asked," Midorima stuttered out.

"You don't even have to," cooed Takao. She patted his cheek, fondly, and if there was a little more force than necessary behind it, well then. "Aren't I the best?"

"Incorrigible," said Midorima.

"You and your smart words," said Takao. "Now be a good boyfriend and let me sleep until lunch ends. Then feel free to dump me into the pool to wake me up."

And because Midorima was a better person than Takao ever gave him credit for, he let Takao sleep all throughout lunch, and fifth period, and the sixth, and the seventh. And if Takao was a worse influence on his attendance record, he didn't seem to mind.

At least, until Miyaji stormed the rooftop demanding they never ditch practice ever so help them god.

 

 

**the one where --**

 

 

They held hands on the way home. And the day after that. And the day after that. And the day after that.

And really, Midorima was better company when she shut him up with her mouth.

 

 

**omake: the one where takao makes an official announcement**

 

 

"So," said Takao, flagging everyone over as she hooked an arm around an unsettled Midorima's. "We're dating now."

"You are so fucked," said Miyaji.

"Don't worry," said Takao, "he'll never make it past third base until after the third date."

Midorima looked at the ceiling like he couldn't understand why this was his life, why couldn't he find someone more delicate and proper and who didn't feel the need to take up so much space in his life that he couldn't think. He was probably insane. Maybe.

"Good," said Ootsubo, intensely relieved. "And I want you to know that his requests should never extend past this court and into your personal life, you hear me? Just call me if he ever tries to do anything."

"Senpai," said Takao, "Shin-chan would _never_."

"Yes," said Midorima, dryly. "I would never."

"It's not you I worry about," said Kimura, flashing back to memories of Takao during matches with Kaijo, _the horror_.

"You're such a kidder, senpai," said Takao.

"No," said Kimura, wincing, "I'm really not."

"Fucked," said Miyaji, emphatically smacking Midorima's shoulder in what was meant to be a consoling effort but only came out as violent.

Midorima did not bury his hands in his face at all, even as Takao pushed his hair back with her headband and beamed at all of them, promising to laugh at their pain and fatigue at every chance she could get. And if he found that a little endearing, he couldn't help it. She really was kind of cute, after all.


End file.
